Mr. Kotter
So, the husb and I were talking over sushi last eve (don't worry, kids, mine was vegan...which really just makes it a carb-laden vehicle for delivering ginger and wasabi...) about what it is we want to do in our lives. The husby has a plan. He's got a new job, and doing an online master's program with it in the Spring will set him up to actually have a career. Must be nice.
On the other hand, I have nothing to aspire to. My dreams of professoring and graduate school seem impossible, and I feel like I change my mind so often that I don't really want to devote the time, money and energy to something I don't feel that passionate about. I talked about the possibility of getting a Montessori school teaching endorsement for itty-bitties, but I don't know if I can cope with other people's babies. (Though, isn't the idea of me opening my own Montessori school kind of rad? I mean, I would raise such sweetheart geniuses.) So now I'm regressing. I started looking again at getting my secondary teaching licensure so I could teach jr. high/high school English.
I'm not thrilled with the idea. I don't hate it, but I'm just not over the moon about it. I just have this overwhelming feeling that I'm settling. Let's be honest, if I had a choice, I would stay home and raise babies, bake bread, garden, read books, and play in an alt-country/bluegrass band. Simple aspirations, right? And all I ever think about is how I can get that life. Any other potential just doesn't seem right. I don't feel passionate about anything else, at least enough that I would want to devote my life to. So what do I do? I know the real answer: commune. I will gladly tend to the children, cook the food, care for the garden, sing songs, etc. if I can just live on a commune with people I love. Preferably in the Pacific Northwest.
But it won't happen. My dreams get crushed, daily. I try to psych myself out, tell myself that from a philosophical/intellectual standpoint these aren't the things I want, that emotionally I couldn't cope with having a kid, the list goes on. But, I'm a liar, and I know it (that, and try as I might, I just can't get past hormonal urges), which puts me back to square one, of actually knowing what I want, but feeling like there's no way to get there.
Which ultimately means I'll probably end up teaching high school, which might not be all that bad. Iffen it's on a commune.
Also, some of you may have been readers of an old blog "babyincredible" that I set to private a few months ago. Since I've circled back around to putting babymaking on the front burner, I opened 'er back up. In case you were wondering.
